That time I was Blind


Tonight for New Years Eve, I decided on a salute to my days of youth where my mom prepared delicious homemade appetizers and we celebrated the good old fashioned way—at home. I picked out my recipes—from Pinterest, naturally—and was starting in on fried jalapeño poppers (because tomorrow is Jan. 1st and of course fried anything will be out) and after cutting 8 jalapeños and grilling them I felt my eyes and nose burning.
I washed my hands, then wiped my face with a wet paper towel. The heat spread, however and I began to feel like my entire face had eaten the raw jalapeños. I ran to the bathroom to wash and splash my face. My vision blurred and my face felt like it was incinerating in a fiery inferno. What’s happening, I panicked as I began to rip off my clothes while my eyes seized shut. I pawed at the bobby pins in my hair (it was the early stages yet and some rational part of my brain thought, well, since you’re getting undressed and all you may as well shower).
I stumbled into the tub, turned on the water and began to whip it into my face. That didn’t work, so I put my eye sockets directly under the blast. Still the fiery pain grew worse. I scrambled out of the tub and could slightly make out growing red blotches and flaming red around my now vibrant blue eyes. The heat was pulsating up now from my mouth, to underneath my eye sockets. It was like jalapeno juice had somehow imbedded itself into my skin.
I am going to go blind from trying to make a jalapeño popper recipe from Pinterest on New Years Eve I concluded. This is what is happening to me. And this is what I get for trying to be bloody Martha Stewart instead of just buying frozen jalapeno poppers. I ran to show DC my face, “It’s on fire!” I wailed and pointed. “The waters not helping!” He looked sympathetic but also slightly amused, not realizing his girlfriend was about to go blind. He told me to try putting milk on it as water was probably spreading the heat. Bingo!
I grabbed heavy whipping cream, as cream seemed even better than milk, ran back to the tub, and started pouring and slathering the cream on my face while I planned out my life as a blind person.
I thought I will still run my 5k tomorrow somehow because I will not be someone who lets a mere visual impairment hold me back. And I will still be a great writer even without Braille. I will just type out my thoughts and DC could painstakingly spell check and re-read my work to me as I had a conversation with him the other day that proved we have a Notebook sort of love. It went like this:

Me: Will you still love me when I’m old and senile and crazy?
DC: You’re crazy now and I love you.
Me: Okay, but what if I can’t remember who you are.
DC: You’ll remember me.
Me: And what if I bite and kick you?
DC: You do that now.
See. We’re ship-shape.
Oh, right, back to my going blind and taking a milk bath, but not in the sexy way, if you can indeed have a sexy milk bath. Trust me, mine was far from titillating. The milk seemed to stop the burn for a moment but left a very oily film on my face and when I would try to rinse it off, the burning came back and my eyes wouldn’t open. I decided to get that shower in and practice being blind. I felt my way to the soap and what I surmised was shampoo first, then conditioner. I felt so empowered. Gosh, I truly am going to have heightened senses and such a new way of viewing my life, sans sight, I thought as I located the whipping cream container and rubbed more into my face. I scrubbed my hands with soap dozens of times to be sure there was no residual jalapeno and then rinsed my face once more.
After toweling off and viscously scrubbing my face, I tested my eyes.
They opened!
I saw what seemed to be a hideous red rash spread across my entire face, but the burning was subsiding enough for me to function as a normal human being once more. Okay, so maybe I didn’t blind myself all the way with jalapenos—just enough to fully appreciate how much I indeed want to still be a runner and a writer. Well and eat quality appetizers, because after my scare, I found DC had finished frying up the poppers and they were quite tasty. Dare I say not tasty enough, Pinterest, to have a jalapeno hot flash and bathe in whipping cream, but they were tasty enough for a New Years Eve celebration worthy of my mother’s. Heck, even with a near-blinding, it’s still better than that New Years I had lice. Don’t judge me.Happy 2013 Folks and here’s to sight, 5k’s and of course, my favorite, the written word in 2014 and always!